Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occured. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned. While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious: Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade? Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card. Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion. [Evil laughter in background] Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says, "Preparing to run Windows for the first time". [Long pause] Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time. Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again. Seaman: Aye Sir. [Another long pause] Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. Captain: Where are the drivers? Seaman: On the CD-ROM. Captain: You are joking, right? Seaman: No Sir. Captain: Reboot the stupid thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows. [Another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk? Captain: I do not think so. Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [Another long pause] Seaman: It wants to reboot again. Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [Another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles? Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready. Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works. Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [Another long pause] Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it? Seaman: I have no idea Sir. Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo. Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo. Seaman: Aye Sir. [Another long pause] Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! [Intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir. Captain: Click on the continue button. Seaman: Aye Sir. [Another long pause] Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir. Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. Seaman: Aye Sir. It says the torpedo is low on ink. Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base. Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire. Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade. Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir. [Another really long pause] Captain: Well? Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute.... [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom] Captain: What was that?!?!? Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue. Seaman: Oh no! The paper clip has died! What should I do? Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! Seaman: It is not responding Sir! Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [Another long pause] Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding. Captain: Well no! Tell it to 'end task'. Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir. Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. Seaman: Aye Sir. [Sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! Captain: Oh no! Not the blue screen of dea.... [ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.] - -------------------------------------------------------- The tape ends at this point. During the weeklong rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "windows stinks" in Morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this. -- Failure is not an option, it comes pre-installed with your Windoze software.
<grin> That's horrible! ROTFLOL -Tim ----------------------------------------------------------------- Timothy R. Butler Universal Networks ICQ #12495932 AIM: Uninettm Christian Web Services Since 1996 tbutler@uninetsolutions.com http://www.uninetsolutions.com ============== "Information Powered by Innovation" ============== "What part of thou shalt not didn't you understand?" -God
I read a report that claimed that the torpedo the Russians were testing was one that could achieve speeds in the range of 500-600 mph in water by creating a sonic cavity around and infront of the nose of the torpedo. JLK On Thursday 22 February 2001 20:27, Timothy R. Butler wrote:
<grin> That's horrible! ROTFLOL
-Tim
----------------------------------------------------------------- Timothy R. Butler Universal Networks ICQ #12495932 AIM: Uninettm Christian Web Services Since 1996 tbutler@uninetsolutions.com http://www.uninetsolutions.com ============== "Information Powered by Innovation" ==============
"What part of thou shalt not didn't you understand?" -God
-- Athiests believe they know there is no god. Agnostics know they believe there is no god. Thiests believe there is a god. Christians believe in God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
giggle> ) Actually the only thing the guy didn't seem to have was anyy sort of weapon ( assuming one doesn't consider the OS a weapon ) So > I'm not really sure what the soldoier is expected to do, perhaps bore
**strings of ones and zeros arranged themselves into a message from "Fred A. Miller"
On Friday 23 February 2001 15:13, jfweber@eternal.net wrote: <snip>
All of this based on the Windows 2000 operating system , which will give all the new soldiers the best and most stable operating system in the world! ( It wasn't a joke , but it seemed really funny to me >G> ) They went on at some length to explain that this new "uniform ( guess there will be no "customizing" of the "desktop" allowed >G>!!?!) will make each soldier in the division fully able to know everything the commanders know in real time. ( so they may take appropriate action to ensure a good result ?? AS in DUCK!!! , oh , no wait it's just an animated curser
Well, two weeks ago I had to install Win2000 at work because Win98SE just wouldn't stay up. (Neither would the Win95 that it replaced....) Crashes were daily and, on many days, more than once. I had to reboot Win2000 today because IE and NS both refused to do ftp downloads any more and the hardware boys said rebooting was the only thing they could think of... duh.... After the reboot, I could ftp again. Strictly speaking, Win2000 didn't crash... it just wouldn't run programs any more. But, what's the difference? None that I can see. So, in all fairness to M$ I will give Win2000 its due and say that it is stable for at least two weeks at a time. A definite improvement. For a comparison, the last time my Linux OS had to be rebooted was in Sept of 1997, and that was due to an infinite loop in a C pgm that I was writing, which blocked both keyboard and mouse. So, in reality, Linux didn't crash, I had to bomb it to regain control. The only time I down my box is for electrical or ice storms, one of which we had 20 days ago, and an another we are expecting tonight or tomorrow... "We can build a better OS than Linux" = M$ executive JLK 4:06pm up 20 days, 52 min, 1 user, load average: 0.05, 0.14, 0.10
On Fri, 23 Feb 2001 jfweber@eternal.net wrote: jf> **It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft jf> **Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the jf> **aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. jf> jf> This whole joke would be much funnier if I hadn't seen the jf> Discovery/History/TLC channel lsat night w/ their glowing reports ( jf> complete w/ video ) of the "new" uniforms for soldiers... usuall jf> cammoflage augmented w/ a headsup display, a pentium processor on one jf> hip , ( battereis??) on the other ) lan equipment , and a " 3 button jf> mouse " on the left upper breast ( so the mapping portion of the jf> equipment can have areas selected for more detailed mapping?) All of jf> htis based on the Windows 2000 operating system jf> So, instead of the' Blue Screen of Death' does the soldier turn into a smurf when the system crashes? jf> j jf> jf> jf> afterthought: Who is #1? You are, #6. jf> jf> -- S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - www.primenet.com/~tomas SuSE Linux v7.0+ - Kernel 2.2.18 Coincidences are spiritual puns. -- G. K. Chesterton
participants (5)
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Fred A. Miller
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Jerry Kreps
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jfweber@eternal.net
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S.Toms
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Timothy R. Butler