FBI reveals Carnivore to be hoax, announces "YHBT" The U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigations announced today that its Carnivore e-mail monitoring system does not, contrary to previous reports, actually exist. "You have been trolled," FBI director Louis J. Freeh told a crowd of reporters at a press conference. "You have lost. Have a nice day." A system allegedly capable of collecting e-mail at the ISP level, the Carnivore troll has made headline news over the past year. Over 1,000 news organizations and countless citizens are believed to have to "bit", and online discussions on sites such as KuroDot.org continue to "feed" the troll. The Supreme Court declined to "bitchslap" Freeh for his actions, ruling unanimously that the nation's election and meta-election systems were sufficient to deal with trolls. "The 'bitchslap' should be reserved for extreme offenders such as Saddam Hussein," said Chief Justice Rehnquist. "Not even Katherine Harris' DoS attack against last year's election was deserving of a 'bitchslap.'" Freeh is believed one of about a dozen "hallowed trolls" of the U.S. government, who reportedly congregrate on a secret www.whitehouse.gov troll thread to plot their next targets. Other prominent government trolls include Ralph Nader, U.S. Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC), and President-Elect George W. Bush, the lattermost of whom claims to have successfully "trolled the grammar flamers" for over a year. Many reacted to the FBI's announcement with disgust. "The fawking trolls have taken over the government," said programmer Scott Lockwood III. "These guys are even worse than 'vote whores' - they're actively spreading misinformation and poor policies. Look at the 106th Congress --over 1/3 of the bills proposed were either incoherent or pure flamebait. I watch C-SPAN at +1, and I still have to put up with this nonsense. The signal-to-noise ratio in the United States is lower than it's ever been." Some, however, praised Carnivore as an intelligent joke on the gullible media. "Trolling is nothing more than a reaction to the narrow-minded dogmatism of the American public," said former president Ronald Reagan, perpetrator of the infamous "Star Wars" troll. "And Freeh's 'Carnivore' is one of the best trolls I've seen." Reagan was also quick to point out the difference between Washington's "true" trolls and "spammers" such as the cigarse.cx guy. "Bill Clinton may be infamous for his 'Paula Jones naked and petrified' posts, but he's not a troll," explained Reagan. "A true troll announces seemingly coherent but logically flawed policies, such as promising to both cut taxes and spend more on programs, designed to expose voters' hypocrisy." In response to the Carnivore hoax, Rep. Darlene Hooley (D-OR) has already introduced a bill that would amend the Constitution with a "lameness filter" designed to thwart future trolls. Hooley, however, admitted that the amendment stood little chance of success. "Capitol Hill would be pretty vacant if it passed," she said. Added Hooley: "First bill!"